Ivy Tied Up

Apparently its not that easy to always stay afloat and sometimes we must crash and burn. Thats whats been going on with me recently. As you can tell from my last few blog entries things have been pretty chaotic and I haven’t been really all “there” or thinking “clearly”. I’ve been all over the place.

I think my schedule being disrupted by having the kids out of school really affected me. I tried to create a new schedule and that just threw me even further off. I’d been feeling pretty depressed then would rapidly switch into mania then crash back into oblivion again.

I was pretty close to not knowing which way was up. I just felt desperate to make it all go away and desperate to make the “pain” go away. That should have been a clear sign to me to call the dr and tell him what was going on but did I? No.. No I didnt.. I waited for it to get better on its own and it did thankfully.. Well with meds. I did start taking my meds again. I think that was an important part of getting “better”.

I’d love to say that next time i’ll call the dr when things get like that but when you are like that you just don’t think clearly and going to the dr is the last thing you want to do. I’m sorry to my “blog friends” i’ve neglected recently. I hope you guys are all still around and doing good..

Yes, i’ve come to the conclusion i’m falling into the depths of mania. I don’t know what I want. I”m irritable and easily annoyed. I need peace and quiet yet feel like i’m coming out of my head. Any little noise annoys me.. Things are just not going great..

I havent decided if i’m going to close my blog or not.. But I have decided to stay here for now..  More later

I’m thinking about closing my blog.. More to come later.. maybe

The title fits this post for several reasons. First I rarely say i’m sorry to anyone. Because I rarely find myself in situations where I need to say i’m sorry. I’ve been blogging since 2005 and for the first time ever I left a snarky mean comment on someones blog. I still can’t believe I did that. I could say it was just my mood but what a cop out that would be. I hope this person knows i’m very sorry and that I feel horrible about it. I’m a sarcastic ass most days but rarely just mean and I had no right to hurt that person or say hurtful things to/about her.

My second long road to travel is i’m back on my weight loss path.. Last year I lost 20 lbs and stopped exercising and gained the weight back. I just got lazy!!! Not to mention tired! And my moods kept cycling and well thats an excuse but its one that many of us have had.. right?

So my first goal is to lose that 20 lbs that I gained back. It really really sucks to have to lose that 20 lbs again because I could have been losing another 20 lbs instead of doing it over.. So i’m trying harder this time to stay on plan. I’ve joined weight watchers again and in 3 weeks have lost 7.4 lbs. I’m feeling pretty good about it. Wish it were a lil more but I dont think 7.4 lbs in 3 weeks is horrible.  I’ve been exercising and working my bum off… I’m a scale junkie now. I feel the need to weigh ALL THE TIME. I can’t stop. I’m literally addicted to the scale. I weigh before a bath after a bath before i go pee after i go pee.. Its ridiculous.. I can’t stop.. I weigh every morning. If its up i’m down about it but I work harder that day. I have to lose this weight. I can’t keep it on any longer. I’ve been walking atleast a mile everyday. I was doing 2 before I hurt my knee but now I get through my mile and my knee aches so badly! Today I did 2 miles.. I was proud.. My knee is feeling better than it was but its still weak..

Lately i’ve felt weird. I don’t know how to describe it. I keep having these weird feelings. Like i’m watching myself do stuff but its not me doing it. I don’t know how to describe it. I feel like i’m outside myself. I’m just out of it lately.

This is very scary to think about. If you don’t know what dry drowning is or have never heard of it please read this article. A 10 year old little boy died more than an hour after getting out of the pool. I hadn’t ever heard of it before!

The article says:

According to the Centers for Disease Control, some 3,600 people drowned in 2005, the most recent year for which there are statistics. Some 10 to 15 percent of those deaths was classified as “dry drowning,” which can occur up to 24 hours after a small amount of water gets into the lungs. In children, that can happen during a bath.

Then says:

The three important signs, he said, are difficulty breathing, extreme tiredness and changes in behavior. All are the result of reduced oxygen flow to the brain.

Whats so upsetting/scary about it is that these symptoms are common after a child goes swimming. Very hard to tell the difference. Children are often extremely fatigued after swimming. I know mine are.. This article makes me want to sponge bathe my kids!

Had you heard of this before?

I feel so lost lately. I don’t know if its a “mood swing” and part of the bipolar or what. I feel so empty like somethign is missing and i’m looking to fill the hurt and emtpy with something. I’ve spent money I don’t have. I’ve talked to people I shouldnt talk to. I’m trying to fill the void. I just want it to go away. I dont know how to fix it or what i’m looking for and it makes me mad.

I don’t want to deal with anything. Not the kids, not the house, not the husband. I want to be left alone except by those I choose to put into my “circle” at any given time. I want more in my circle but not those currently surrounding me. Those currently surrounding me are bringing me down. (I don’t mean those that I talk to daily because I call you!!! I call you because I want you there). I’m just looking for something and I don’t know what.

I need something. A drink maybe. Maybe some more xanax.. Maybe some more meds.. Maybe I need to stop taking them.. Hell I don’t know at this point. I hate feeling like this. I hate not being happy with anything becuase something isnt right. I can fake a smile and pretend all is well when inside i’m slowly dying becuase something isnt right. I’m fairly good at that.. I just don’t know how to fix it! The meds were supposed to fix this shit!

So I decided I’d try the Veet razorless razor system.. I applied it and waited the time it stated then “shaved off” my hair with the razorless razor.. The process wasn’t bad. It wasn’t hard. It was time consuming though. And the veet does stink. Even the scented ones stink. It wasn’t as bad as what I remember Nair being though. (its been 10+ years since i’ve used nair) Afterwards my legs were nice and smooth. I didnt break out or have any chemical burns like i’d read about in reviews from others but my legs did itch some. They were dry so I had to keep reapplying lotion over and over again. In about 2 days my legs had stubble again only it wasnt the hard coarse stubble you get from shaving it was much softer and didnt irritate me that much. When it came time to shave again I was REALLY let down. The can didnt even have enough left in it to do half of one leg! So for almost 7$ I got smooth legs 1 time!!! I was really aggravated. Needless to say if you don’t mind paying 7$ for a shave its not bad.. If you do or have sensitive skin stick with a razor.. Another thing the goop does leave your hands feeling rather odd after using it.. Even after washing them.. This is one product I wont be buying again.. Waste of money in my opinion..

So maybe i’m a lil manic.. Who knows.. I’m not sure I care anymore. However mania does stupid things.. Mania buys a 250$ camera and a 250$ nintendo wii and then 2 days later thinks WTF did I do? Mania wakes up at 2am well rested and doesnt want to sleep anymore. Mania is irritable and pissed of easily. Mania snaps into defense mode when questioned about anything. Mania can’t handle noise or groups(read family functions) nor can I find my meds.

 How did I lose them? I DONT KNOW!!! They aren’t where I put them.. I’ve been looking everywhere.. I had to have misplaced them.. They were on the counter and now they are not.. Maybe I put them in my purse.. I’ll have to look. Anyhow.. i’m bored out of my mind these last 2 days. Nothing can keep me occupied.. Even the wii bores me.

I have a big family function today. We are having a bbq for memorial day but couldnt have it tomorrow because my kids have school and my sister is packing for her family to go to disney world. The make a wish foundation granted my nephew’s wish. His wish was to meet the power rangers and go to the Mickey mouse club house so they are sending them to disney world on an all expense paid vacation. I am so excited for them. They really deserve this. After all they’ve been through in the last year. This lil boy deserves this so much. I tear up just thinking about it.

I feel like i’m drowning.. I don’t know how else to describe it. I feel so overwhelmed and unstable lately. The main thing that did it was info that diva had failed the 3rd grade. I kinda spiraled and lost alot of ground becuase of the way it made me feel. It was the most horrible feeling. No parent wants to fail and I felt like a complete failure. Well after fighting the school these last 2 weeks they called me yesterday and let me knwo they were passing her. Ya hoo! I still feel unbalanced. I feel better that they are passing her but still unbalanced..

I feel alone lately. I got mad yesterday adn started slamming cabinets because I was trying to tell Dh something and he cut me off and asked if his food was hot yet. It ticked me off big time. He couldnt stop and listen to me for 2 minutes tell him what I needed to tell him. It wouldn’t have been a big deal if he didnt do that ALL THE TIME! I feel so by myself here. No one to talk to. No one listens. I love my kids but talking to kids all day every day and that being your only communication .. it gets old.. I need him to freaking listen to me and let me know he gives a shit what I have to say or whats going on with me.. I need him to care!

I’m sure when I get mad and start slamming things around that its just a ” mood swing” to him.. But you know his moods are worse than mine I think. He throws fits like a 2 year old and believes they are “justified”.

The kids are doing well. School lets out next week for the summer and i’m scared tod eath of having all 4 home all day every day. That makes me feel bad to say that.. But they fight NON STOP.. I”m going ot have to find something active for them to do.. I wish I could afford to send them to a camp so they could have something productive to do during the summer but with gas being as high as it is.. not happening..

Dh is putting me on his insurance at work. Its goign to cost us a small fortune every week but I need it becuase i’ve got some health things going on that I need to deal with. bla.. female stuff.. The endometriosis is acting up and I desperately need to be seen for it.. the pain is starting to build back up.

I think thats it for now..